28 January, 2009

What’s the next thing that comes to your mind after the word marriage?

“…For better for worse, till death do us apart, I will love you with every beat of my heart…”, Shania Twain Laments; it sure sounds like one very sweet statement to make, but take a deep look around you, I’m sure you know a couple or two who have recently married, as in less than 5years, are the outcomes all that sweet?? And all that true??
Marriages are turning into a fashion today, its every young fellow’s fantasy to have “just a small party, with just a few hundred people”, but are marriages all about just that? A party with you looking all made up and dressed in white sitting in the front, some friends and a string of relatives who traveled miles just to come and cheer you…?

As I happen to be living in one of the noisiest areas in Dar, sinza, popularly known as ‘sinza kwa wajanja’, a corner in Dar where there are many halls for rent, and still many in the making, I happen to come across a good number of weddings, send-off parties as well as bridal showers (commonly known as kitchen party) each week, and as they pass me by, I normally stand and watch as the so known ‘msafara’ passes by thinking to myself “wow, isn’t that great”, but the very moment I start envisioning me at the centre of all that, suddenly, my heart flips coming to think of the already wed couples that I know, who are now just feeling sorry for ever thinking of getting married, if not all the times, then at-least once in a while.
I usually ask myself as I look at so many young and in love couples so desperately making numerous phone calls to designers, MC’s, dashing in and out of stores looking for wedding rings and ‘best caterers’, if they are really ready to ‘tie the knot’, if they have truly thought about what they’re getting into, do they really know what’s in store for them as they exchange vows, or are they just driven by mere fantasies, or just because all their friends are getting married or maybe because tradition calls for them to do so?
Don’t mistake me for a fan in the anti-marital club, I actually do believe that getting married makes your life better, and its one of the important things that one must succumb to sooner or later; but its just that, everything seems to be moving a little too fast nowadays, people get married to people they hardly know, it might be someone they bumped into three months ago, and as it happens, the timing is perfect as you have been searching for a so called ‘soul-mate’, you would hear them say, oh, this is the happiest moment of my life, (why the heck not if every one’s in their best behavior??) the next thing you know, either the husband or wife is thinking of getting a job in another region! Because they just can’t stand the others behavior!

As I was chit chatting with a fellow passenger on a bus trip from Moshi to Dar, he happened to be married and openly said, “I’ve dated my wife for fifteen years before I married her, but the things she does even today, amaze me so much!!” its like somebody you never knew existed… should we lay the blame on the innumerous Hollywood movies and TV series for corrupting our minds… with the “happy endings?, that life becomes ‘perfect’ after you tie the knot? Even the Hollywood stars themselves are not living that kind of life, just try and make a very brief research on the number of Hollywood stars married and living happily ever after… I did something of the sort, and discovered that, there are more divorces than marriages’ (correct me if I am wrong)

Soon after marriages, people turn into other creatures, its like somebody you never knew existed before, you become like a bird who has afallen into a trap and cant escape, and to some, its like life has no meaning anymore, like getting married means no fun, no clubbing, no outings, no date, no flirting!! (But for heavens sake, one can always do these even when with a spouse!!)
Is this the way marriages are intended to be? Instead of having feelings of security, love, warmth, etc, that cant be found elsewhere, one has to normally deal with regret, anger, boredom, stresses and most of all absence of love, a very important aspect that the human species, even animals for crying out loud need so as to remain sane. Even a cat licks and cuddles with her kitties as a sign of showing love.
From my point of view, and that of a couple of people I have talked to, marriage is some thing sacred and very valuable, thus demands special care, attention in choosing the person with whom one feels, (s)he can cope with both in the good times and the bad times, when someone’s weaknesses are openly displayed, (everyone has a flaw, as famous writer Robin Sharma demands, show me one without a flaw)), someone to whom one can act a friend and a lover to the other.
I believe that regret is a proof of great failure to one’s being, emotions and so should be avoided by every possible means, brothers and sisters, it’s wise to think before you act, and if you’ve already acted without thinking, then don’t sit there and cry for yourself, instead, wake up!! And try to make the best out of what you’ve done, then, at least even if you fail, you can say, “I tried”, there’s a Swahili saying that goes, ‘maji yakishamwagika hayazoleki’ (once the water is spilt, you cant re-collect it), so just try and make good of what you have entered to, if you try hard, I’m sure you can.

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